Devlin’s Caffeine Inspired ‘Spanking in Sci-Fi’
If Gwen thinks that occurrences of spanking in historical romance are few and far between, she should try science fiction. But I was an avid sci-fi reader in my youth, and fortunate enough to find Robert Heinlein, who mentioned spanking in several of his novels and short stories, even though most of his references are made jokingly or in passing so the actual event rarely occurs. For instance, in one of his ‘juvenile’ books, “Podkayne of Mars,” the early teen heroine accidentally lets her little brother be kidnapped and asks her father to spank her for it, to relieve her guilt, and of course he won’t and hugs her instead.
But in an alternate-universe adventure novel called “Glory Road” Heinlein’s hero threatens to spank his heroine with her own sword for reasons I can’t recall. She was not only a hard-bodied hottie but also a damn fine swordswoman, and she told him in no uncertain terms that wasn’t going to happen. He did spank her eventually, with his hand and not with her sword, and only after a fairly fierce wrestling match that he did not easily win, but he did manage to pull down her tights and spank her bare bottom, although I’m pretty sure Heinlein didn’t use the phrase ‘bare bottom.’ I’d have remembered that. Sci-fi writers of the 1950s and 60s still were heavily under the influence of the Gernsback Laws, as in Hugo Gernsback, namesake of the Hugo Award, publisher of numerous sci-fi magazines, and unrepentant prude, whose rules kept sex out of science fiction for decades. Heinlein was one of the first major authors in the genre to defy these laws, and his later works, “A Stranger in a Strange Land” for example, were rife with casual nudity and mostly off-screen sex. By the same token, if I ever read Isaac Asimov writing on sex, it was so offhand as to be completely forgettable.
As to the occurrence of spankings in science fiction films and television shows – NOT! Spanking, and even its mere mention, seems to be taboo in sci-fi movies and TV shows. I do recall that there was one in ‘Star Trek, The Next Generation,’ but it was a total joke – a holo-deck riff where Wesley Crusher’s mother tells him to behave or the nerd ensign who wrote the holo-deck program would spank him. If there are other spanking references in visual sci-fi I haven’t seen or can’t recall them.
That’s one big reason I wrote “Corporal Idaho,” the overall lack of spanking in science fiction. I love the genre, the unlimited ‘what if’ that drives the writer to postulate and the reader to follow him into unknown realms. So ‘what if’ we carry on beyond the range of radio telescopes, or better yet, into the almost-knowable future? Do we get to see Captain Picard pull down Deanna Troi’s pants and smack her round bottom until she can’t sit for being such a know-it-all, for having such a weird accent, or for inviting her highly annoying mother onto the Enterprise? Um … probably not, but I’ll keep the idea for later, okay?
My point here, and I really do have one, is that given the dearth of actual spankings in the genre one is left to imagine them, and there are a great many sci-fi heroines who could use a hard hand, limber strap, or serious paddle applied to their naughty, futuristic, fantasy tushies. Jadzia Dax (Terry Farrell) of “Deep Space Nine” leaps mostly readily to mind. Yeah, she abandoned the show to work with Ted Danson on “Becker,” and didn’t like that either so she quit after two or three seasons, so for that if no other reason Terry should have her curvaceous tushy smacked until those Iowa cows come home.
Yep, she’s an Iowan, just like Captain James T. (Why Shouldn’t I Be A Boston Lawyer?) Kirk from the original series. Jadzia also has the distinction of marrying a Klingon, Worf, in the show. A Klingon’s idea of foreplay is when a prospective mate (dramatic music and Michael Dorn begins to moan and hyperventilate) starts throwing heavy objects at him. Klingon sex always results in more or less serious injury to both parties, so we have to assume that a well-spanked bottom is the least of a female Klingon’s, or Jadzia Dax’s, worries.
When Terry, a classically statuesque beauty, quit the show and was written out of the plot by being killed, she was replaced by Ezri Dax (Nicole de Boer)
who is cuddly and cute, perhaps excessively so, to the point that it stretched credulity to think of her as host to a 900-year-old warrior/statesman/serial murderer Trill symbiont. Also, they weren’t very good about showing her from behind, though the few times they did were worth the wait, and a good bun warming wouldn’t be at all out of order for this little doll.
On the same show we have Major Kira Nerys (Nana Visitor) with whom I would readily share a cabana on Tahiti for the rest of my life, and who is in serious need of a smacked bottom, if those tight Bajoran uniform trousers and Cardassian-occupation derived chip on her shoulder attitude are any indications.
And speaking of adorable bottoms, can ANYONE, male or female or non-committed, not want to squeeze and fondle Seven of Nine’s (Jeri Ryan) exquisite situpon?
I’m convinced that “Star Trek, Voyager” lasted as long as it did simply because of that enhanced Borg catsuit rear view. When “Voyager” was canceled Jeri went on to work at another series but it didn’t do her justice. She played a teacher on “Boston Public” where she looked totally lost without her Borg-implant facial jewelry. But she did one bit on “Voyager” where she channeled a myriad of species that the Borg had assimilated, and her onscreen suffering truly touched me. I wanted to hold and caress her, tell her it was all right, and then take her over my lap, pull off that catsuit, and spank the awfulness out of her. I still do.
Then there’s ‘Star Trek, Enterprise.’ I changed channels as soon as I heard the theme song. I mean REALLY! Easily the worst since ‘Petticoat Junction.’ Other Star Trek series had no songs, just snazzy, exciting, and/or uplifting orchestral music. So I have to ask – what WERE the producers thinking? A fatuous, smarmy ballad as intro to a serious sci-fi show? The other sound you hear is Gene Roddenberry thrashing about in his grave.
Okay, I did watch a couple of episodes, mostly to see Vulcan Sub-Commander T’Pol (Jolene Blalock) in her catsuit. Dang, but she has a sweet backside, and a killer pout. Yeah, maybe she’s a bit androgynous when looked at head on, but still she ought to be spanked for that pout. Maybe she will appear in another series, in another catsuit.
We can only hope, right?
There’s a lot of sci-fi around, so this listing barely scratches the surface. Princess Leia needed her cute royal rump roasted on numerous occasions; Ripley in the ‘Alien’ series probably would have enjoyed getting a sore bottom from the right man, although I’d prefer to spank Sigourney Weaver in her Gwen DeMarco guise from “Galaxy Quest;” and if we can class “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” as sci-fi – well, I’d really like to find out first spanking hand if Geller is a yeller. If you guys have any favorite sci-fi or fantasy spankees I failed to mention, or if you know of spanking references in the genre, by all means leave a note in the comments section.
That is all.
(All photos grabbed from Wikipedia)